I was going through my email account today when I found a something interesting in my outbox. I must have sent it to Best Buy customer service department, possibly while I was bored, or annoyed with something I bought from them. This was from a long ways back, but I think the message remains relevant to this day.
So I thought I'd post it, to get an idea as to why they never responded...
Dear 'Best' Buy.
I had an experience recently that I thought I should share with you. It's kind of a trashy story, but there is a point to it, so bear with me.
It all began on a typical morning- one that was spent recovering from another round of my favorite game, "Drink the booze". I know, I know, it's not a healthy game. But hey, do what you're good at, right? Plus, it must have been fun. I know that must be true, mainly because I can't remember anything to prove otherwise.
I guess I'll start with when I first came to. When I drifted back to reality, I found that I had passed out in a public garbage can the night before. God only knows why.
Well, as I slowly came out of my stupor, something below began to poke me, in a very private area. After several failed attempts to reach it, I finally managed to bring the item in question into my line of sight. It was one of your gift card condoms. You know, that useless cardboard crap you wrap your gift cards in? I guess that you do that for a good reason. Or maybe it's just a precaution. Just in case you decide that using all that plastic didn't destroy the environment enough to satisfy you.
I understand why you would spend the money to do it that way: you have to be sure about a thing like that. On a side note, I would like to applaud the level of thoroughness and dedication you put into destroying mother nature. The way I see it, that bitch has had it coming for a long time now.
Well anyhoo, I finally managed to focus my vision, and even managed to make out some of the fine print on the piece of landfill bait. This is when I noticed something disturbing. In among all the legal mumbo jumbo, there was a troubling sentence that read "Call us to find out if geek squad agents are operating in your jurisdiction"..?!
NOT IN MY JURISDICTION AHOLES! I run a tight ship, and can't have geek squad riffraff running around fixing things all willy-nilly. I am the RULER OF THIS JURISDICTION, and I am a pretty petty dictator. Nothing gets fixed without my say-so. Therefore, I would like to impolitely make a few demands. Loudly.
First off, if there is anything to be fixed in my jurisdiction, and it gets your attention, you will REFRAIN from fixing it. I will fix it, whenever the hell I feel like getting a fix. Or getting fixed. Wait, that came out wrong. NO TOUCHING MY BALLS. THE END?
If you have any questions, ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL, do not hesitate to use your geek squad telepathic powers to contact me. But I would suggest that you not reply to this email, as this account is only for emails I get from domains that end in .org or .xxx. Thank you, and go to hell.
Some random stranger
I can't figure out how that message went for years without them trying to call back. Maybe I should have used all caps...
Another crazy blog post