This post is dedicated to all the stupid people out there. May you never cease to amuse me
The other day I saw an online banner ad that read "Check this out, or I poke my wife in the eyes". Not sure about the psychology there. Is this guy expecting women to click his ad to prevent said poking, (and to help someone who would make the threat in the first place)?
I'm thinking that the ad doesn't seem very motivational to married men, after all. Or is he trying to get single, ugly men to click, to try and meet blind women with bad taste?
I thought I was over the top with this blog. I considered maybe even tuning it down a little. My particular brand of humor isn't for everyone. Some may call it funny, others, may go with insanity. Maybe I'm just a little bit too crazy for even the internet. Man did I miss that bet. In fact, I may be more sane than half the people reading this. Isn't that a scary thought.
See, as a part of getting yourself out there, you run a check once in awhile to see how people are getting to your site. In this case, I was looking at Google search results. Specifically, the searches that were run by people who ended up visiting this page. I'm expecting things like “funny blog” or “jokes online”. Maybe “something funny” would pop up. Then I saw the actual Google searches that my 'sensitive' readers had run. Nope, being over the top is not a problem.
If anything I gotta ramp it up. Maybe get a zombie cheerleader animated Gif to dance around my page. Have it's head fall off during the high kicks. Because clearly there is much more crazy out there to mine. So... without further ado, here are the top 10 Google searches that lead to this page...
BTW the Letterman reference was unintentional, I promise not to do that ever again..
I normally am not a huge pic poster. I usually just type my crazy. I figure the rest of the net pretty much has pics covered. But I had to put this one up, it was just too funny. See, I got this email yesterday, it was one of those borderline spam ones. You know, an email that made it past the filters, and has a subject line close enough to a real email, that you open it, just in case?
Well, I wasn't recording the moment for posterity, I was checking my email. So I didn't really read it. And I don't remember who sent it, nor do I really care. I'm pretty sure that it was a Google+ request or something. I was distracted by this...
IT'S TOM! WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM? And why is he back in my inbox? I thought I saw the last of him when I got bored with Myspace. Like 10 years ago.
For those of you under 25, Tom was the Myspace version of Mark Zuckerberg. Except, he was waaaaaaaay more annoying for some reason. Now he pops up again. In Hawaii? Huh.
I honestly thought he was living on the street, subsisting on used Facebook credits and D batteries. He must be hiding in fear because of all the people who swore revenge upon him whenever there was some bug in Myspace. Which was often, so I guess his fear would be justified. Wow. I still remember all the flashlight jokes. You know, the ones he practically begged for with that profile picture? He was a real man of the people. And by that I mean that he was always annoying the people. Well, into the trash that email went. Ahh memories...
Who invented that thing anyway?
I just love how Microsoft insists on using the progress bar in Windows, even though it hasn't correctly indicated progress for a decade or so. Don't you love the feeling you get when that stupid thing finally fills up, and then decides to start over again? And don't try to tell me that the most recent version works much better now. I've been hearing THAT line since Windows 98 came out. It's still crap. Why can't my computer just be honest with me?
Speaking of BS, here's some I saw in my inbox today. It was a spam email with the subject “Your Ebook has just shipped”. Time to update my spam filters, I guess. Of course I didn't open it, I'm not a complete moron. But it caught my attention because at first it struck me as pure digital stupidity. Why would anyone write an email, a form of advertising already distrusted by millions, with a subject line that reeks of spam? Out of irritated curiosity, I almost emailed this wannabe con man back to see if I could get their response rate. Then maybe throw in a crack about negative numbers being possible answers.
But then I saw the genius of it. See, the best thing you can get for whatever scam you're running would be stupid people. To a scam artist, stupid people are worth their weight in gold. I didn't think of it because for the rest of us, idiots are worth their weight in air. Unless you need amusement, or are drunk enough to find them witty.
So, you write an email to attract the slower internet users out there, because it's easier to scam them. I get it now. That's why this person wrote an email that claimed that an Ebook needed to be shipped- despite the fact that shipping an ebook costs money and email attachments are free. This obvious flaw in logic weeds out anyone with a brain. While the more gullible members of the community respond, to get their tracking number or whatever. That leaves the con artist free to jingle keys as a distraction from whatever scam they're selling this week. Hmmm I better stop with this line of thought. This is something easy that's illegal, profitable, and I could do it well. And that has got to be the worst combination possible for me.
A letter I wrote to encourage members of the legal profession
I saw a this cool toy online a little while back. It was basically a cross between a laser pointer and a light-saber. Of course, I wanted it immediately.
But, as soon as I understood what was being advertised, I also knew what would happen next. I didn't need to be psychic. Just call it experience with the online community. Or lead poisoning, I think they have the same symptoms. The next thing I knew it, it was time to cue the buzz-kills.
One of the first comments to the ad was made by a concerned individual who wanted the toy banned. The reason this undiscovered genius was so worried was his fear of the lights from the swords, and their ability to blind overhead pilots. When kids play with them on the ground. This is a true story.
Now, this wasn't a pilot, and he didn't even think to worry about planes landing or taking off. He was worried about planes IN FLIGHT.
I had to reply, I just couldn't resist. But I did take the high road. I was going to say that the distance, tons of aircraft blocking the line of sight, and possible atmospheric conditions were all working together to prove his stupidity.
But I was feeling nice. Instead I simply commented as a customer of said item (I soon was) and disagreed with him. I even then went on to reassure him that I don't use mine as a sword at all. I use it as a tool. To blind stupid people with too much time on their hands.
The bonus is that I get to avoid an argument about the laser pointer and it's magic powers to blind people. Who knows what other feats of logic this guy was going to dazzle me with. I should give a seminar on how to deal with people online.
There needs to be an "I'm feeling stupid" button on Google
The city of Stockton, CA has been ruled eligible for bankruptcy. That seems like a half-measure. I've been there, and I'd say that it should be eligible for an full scale intervention at the very least.
I recently was reading the news, and an article caught my eye. It was a review of upcoming games, movies, etc. While the author was trying to be clever, he actually used the phrase “The Classic days of Pokemon”. ????????
Pokemon hasn't been around long enough to have classic days. That's like saying “Classic Justin Bieber songs”. Ignore the little bit of vomit in the back of your mouth for a second. While I admit that I'm no fan of either, my complaint isn't based on loathing. Deserved or otherwise. It's a matter of time.
If you want to toss around words like 'classic', put a few decades under your belt. Do it while you manage to stay relevant and keep your fan base. Then we'll talk about using adjectives like 'classic' to describe you. Well, I probably won't use them, but other people might. FYI, in the future, if Pokemon is still being discussed at all, I will be out back. Revisiting my classic lunch.
Have you ever actually heard someone use the phrase “Well I never...” seriously? I think it's one of those things you hear on TV, that people don't say in real life.
I realized this because I have been sitting on a comeback for a while now. I've always wanted to reply “Maybe you should once in a while, you're starting to smell.” Someday, someone will set me up for that joke
If you're going to be wrong, be completely wrong. Get it all out of your system at once
You ever hear the saying "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one"? It's only half right. While everyone does have one of each, the similarities end there. Because there is one important difference there. Besides the obvious one I mean. See, as a rule, people rarely go around shoving their assholes down the throats of anyone they disagree with. At least, not without getting arrested.
When that occurred to me, it got me thinking about other things no one seems to notice. So I put my thoughts here in this blog, to limit the damage my thoughts might cause. Isn't that considerate of me?
Well, I guess that putting them here won't help the minds of anyone who reads this post. But nobody's perfect. And besides, I trust you to stay sane. You seem cool.
You ever notice how strange things are in TV land? I call it that because it is a such a weird place that it deserves a name. To set it apart from reality. For example: when the people of TV land have a problem, there is almost always a solution to be found. Often, finding it happens at predictable 30 or 60 minute intervals.
In TV land, violence can be the answer to your problems, and it usually is the most effective one. No one important dies in TV land, unless it is during sweeps. The list goes on. But I recently noticed that there is a second, less believable version of TV land, and it happens during the commercials.
Think about it. In commercial land, people are often abnormally cheerful. If they aren't, then the nasty old brand x that is making them sad will soon be replaced. By a mysterious voice-over booming from above. Actually, all sorts of weird stuff happens in ads, and yet we don't even blink.
I saw an ad with some lady talking to her shower head. I guess she needed advice on hard water stains, from an inanimate object. Now, if you were in the bathroom, and your shower head started talking to you about cleaning products, would you happily take its advice? Or would you run out of that bathroom, never to return unarmed?
Another thing about commercial land, the people seem like they are almost insane with cheer. Maybe they ARE crazy. That'd explain it. They might be in such a good mood because they just finished singing in a barbershop quartet with the toilet, a bar of soap, and the voices in their head. Hell I might be happy too, if my mind were that far gone.
Sometimes I wonder how people 'discovered' which of the foods we eat are edible. Or how to prepare them. I mean, who had the revolutionary idea to add yeast to either rotting fruit and grains, so they can make alcohol? Yet another question I have is about who figured out that its possible to pickle a pigs feet and then eat them?
But here's the real question. Who invented the way to prepare civet coffee? Because, to do that, you first have a kind of cat called a civet eat the beans, when they are still berries. The cat then digests them, in order to make them less acidic. Guess what step three is, and where you harvest the beans? I call it cat shit coffee. Google that phrase, if you don't believe me.
One thing is certain though. I bet that coffee isn't an option at your local Starbucks. I know they were the ones who brilliantly decided to rename cup sizes to words people can't remember. But I still have to believe they can't be that stupid. Besides, at 10 bucks a cup (yes that's the price for cat shit coffee), even Starbucks has to draw the line.