Something hit me while I was watching an ad on TV today. It was an ad, telling people who to call if they need to sue someone because they are injured/took medicine recently/just really bored.
It seems to that we don't do enough to show our appreciation for our friends in the legal profession. We don't realize how their ads make our world a better place. So I wrote an open letter to encourage them. Here goes...
To Every Ambulance-Chasing Lawyer Out There...
I would like to take the time to thank you. I love the reminders that you run on TV, print, radio, and anywhere else someone will sell you space. I admire your ability to never miss a chance to tell the consumers about the lawsuit lotto. I don't know what I would do if I were to awaken some day and not be reminded of your spiffy catchphrase every five minutes.
I know there are those who complain that your ads are repetitive, but I find it soothing. I love the fact that no matter what I am viewing, your ads are only minutes away. It's comforting to know that your ads will play at a volume that is guaranteed to wake the dead - regardless of the fact that I have my volume set to a rational level. Even when my TV is off, it's awesome when I get to hear your newest pitch, on my neighbor's TV, at 4 am.
There are some people who might say that too many lawsuits are frivolous now. I disagree. Telling lawyers not to sue is like telling leeches not to suck. It won't stop anything. Mainly because not suing might make you shrivel up and die, just like an unfed leech. We can't have that. Our fine nation clearly has a shortage of legal options. After all, no one has tried to buy ad space on my inner eyelids yet. How about yours?
On that note, during the 156,945,545th viewing of one of your fine ads, I had an idea I wanted to share. Perhaps you should try to sue God. This may be easier than it sounds, actually. Think about it. God is in Heaven. Which means He probably doesn't have access to good legal counsel. I'd advise against trying this with the Devil though.
I also must say that seeing all those fine examples of quality programming has inspired me to become more like you. I have dreams where I'm a lawyer, free to chase ambulances, with my toupee flapping in the wind. My idea of a perfect world is one in which every ambulance and firetruck on the road is followed by a line of cars, containing legal options. I want to make this happen. Which online program did you get your 'degree' from?
All in all, I would ask that you continue your tireless efforts to promote legal advise and services. Because I want to see your ads during every commercial break. Thanks!!!
Here's how Disney is slowly driving me insane, by buying every franchise I love
I want this list to go viral. So you should read it, then sneeze all over everyone you can
I want this list to go viral. By that I mean that you should read it, then sneeze all over everyone you can get close enough to. Added sexual contact is always helpful, but not required.
I wish that NASA would capture video of Curiosity being stolen by a Martian. Or as it's being 'Martian-jacked', if you will. Why? I would pay anything to see the look on Anderson Cooper's face when it happens.
Speaking of invading other planets, I saw an article about the Curiosity landing titled “7 Minutes of Terror”. Well, how do they think the Martians felt? I mean, after all we did to this planet, I don't think a ship from Earth would be a welcome sight anywhere.
Want a great way to say no when you are asked by your co-workers for help? Want to do it in an emotionally sensitive way? I got you covered. When anyone brings up the subject of doing 'work-like' activities, just respond to their ludicrous suggestion with the phrase “That sounds like a 'you' type of problem to me” Try it today!
The Irish choice to mix both drinking and line-dancing are brilliant ploys to market St. Patrick's day. It is a brilliant way to guarantee drunken entertainment in bars everywhere during the month of March for centuries to come.
Yesterday, I saw a CAPTCHA that involved solving a simple math problem. I want to whoever came up with such a giant stride forward in the 'annoy typical web users' arms race and shake their hand. Then I'd say to them “Great job genius, now all the bots are getting in, and all the stoners are locked out”.
If a tree fell on a telemarketer in a forest, would he then try to sell it useless crap while it's eating dinner?
Art for the sake of art is public masturbation Only a true asshole expects to be paid for that. Or a hot chick on the internet. If you are trying to sell 'art' that no one but you likes, and you aren't a hot chick, then you are the other kind of person.
Groups of people are stupid. The government could be defined simply as a large group of people who make decisions for other people. Usually at a pace that even snails sneer at.
Wanna hear a funny joke? Go see a comedian. Or watch a funny movie. But if amusement is your goal, whatever you do, DON'T watch "Blades of Glory". The only thing that movie is good for is inciting violence against figure skaters. I guess if it had happened earlier, Tonya Harding could've used it in her defense at her trial. But if she'd taken massive amounts of steroids like a NORMAL athlete she would've probably never been in trouble till the Senate hearings. Now back to jokes with references that people under 30 might get.
Hey, don't look at me like that, you're the one who keeps reading this. Yes, I know you AREN'T looking at me right now, I'm just feeling paranoid. Well you probably aren't looking at me, who knows?
Paranoid Monkeys would make an awesome band name. Or a funny sitcom. It would have to be better than the crap they got running now. But I'm sure that throwing feces on TV, while a likely a ratings jackpot, would cause some people to write nasty emails. Apparently some people have nothing better to do than watch for things to complain about on TV. This is actually true. Pathetic, but true. You know what people like that need? They need to break out of their routine, get out of that rut. That's the only reason I can see for volunteering to be the TV citizen patrol, boredom. I'd recommend a punitive visit from the tooth fairy. Hey, I was starting to make too much sense for a second there, and we can't have that. The voices in my head would go into open revolt. And I hate political headaches enough already.
You'll never guess who turned up in my spam folder...
It took the them this long to denounce Dennis Rodman?
I saw something in the news , and it brought up a few questions. Well, I guess that was after I had a laugh, because it was a pretty funny story. And it helped prove my 'crazy attracts crazy' theory.
It wasn't the actual story. The question that wasn't asked was more interesting. Of course, this is a common mistake, made by the 'biased' and 'slightly retarded' group of people who we call the media.
My question was this. Why doesn't the White house have a blanket denouncement for anything Dennis Rodman does? I think that would be, in the end, just good policy. I don't think poorly of Mr Rodman for personal reasons, I just feel that his involvement in the world of politics could end up having apocalyptic consequences, at best
Higgs-bosun? You nerds go make up more interesting-sounding names for the particles you 'find'. And give them a cooler backstories.
Why does no one listen to me when they ask "Can I ask you a question?" and I tell them no? I know I joke around a lot, and people might get the idea I'm kidding, but seriously. No
I saw a teaser headline for an article: "5 Weird Wedding Trends Worse Than Fairytale Themes". I knew this to be a full on BS article for one reason: There's no way any one wedding trend could be worse than a fairy tale theme, let alone 5 of them coexisting that are all that horrific
Isn't this a funny blog site! It's so good, I should run for office!