Today, I'm not in a 'hilarious quotes' kind of mood
I'm a “list some random thoughts I just came up with” kinda mood. Or, think of them as quotes by me, randomly strewn throughout the page, with no logic to it. And since I'm doing the writing, and I can't hear you complaining about it, enjoy...
I just love seeing the phrase “Please Use Responsibly”. Maybe that's because, I know that with the presence of that warning, there logically must be IRRESPONSIBLE way to use the item in question. Or else, why the warning? Or maybe it's the amusement caused by the knowledge that if I have to use something responsibly, I may as well throw it away, because it just ain't gonna happen
Has anyone tried to put subliminal messages in pop-up ads? If so, did anyone actually read the pop-ups and notice?
I've always wanted to write a tragic romantic comedy with a sci-fi/horror twist. And name it "Mr Smith Goes to Washington 2: Revenge of the Clones". Hey, it may not be a great idea, or even a good one, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been done already. Well, not all that together at least.
This country seems to love playing the game “Kick the President”. Or at least half of the country does, at any given time, the other half seems to enjoy complaining about it. Which political party is doing the kicking and which party is doing the complaining changes from time to time, but it's always annoying as hell to listen to.
I really hate being witty when I'm all by myself. What a waste of an audience. I never even bother to clap. I should demand a refund.
Why do so many conspiracy theories seem to ignore the saying “Three people can keep a secret, but only if two of them are dead”? Yeah, a large group of people ambitious enough to run the planet are going to get along perfectly, with no infighting, back-stabbing, or plotting gone wrong to give the whole thing away. Hell, a lot of people out there can't get along well enough with their families to pull that off.
Yet somehow, they think that the people in the world-domination crowd can. And they can do it with ambitious, self-serving strangers too. Let's face it, the world runs on money, but shit-talking has to be a close second. Personally, any conspiracy theory that doesn't explain how the people involved keep their mouths shut is pretty much a non-starter for me.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm equally torn by my love of dubstep and my hatred of dubstep. So, if they ever mix rap and dubstep, would that be drubstep? Any way you pronounce it, it'll probably be unholy. And I will have it burned to a CD somewhere.
The next time someone tells you that “Technically, blah blah blah, (insert some detail you don't want to know here)”, just reply with “I'm not sure I'm interested in that level of technicality”. Try to do it at an audit, or to your boss during an employee review. Extra credit if you provoke them into asking “Excuse me?” in a pissed off tone, like people do. So you can respond with “There IS NO excuse for you”. It's a great way to make friends.
I was bored yesterday. Happens to the best of us. I can't always be a writing a funny blog, you know. Anyways, I was bored, with no mind numbing TV to render me too dumb to care. I started trying to fight off boredom for a few seconds by reading a McDonald's bag. Not very interesting, but it was there.
Now, when I read any literature about fast food, I skip any sections that contain the phrase“Nutrition Facts”. I'm bored, not masochistic- I'm looking for something funny or entertaining.
As I'm skimming, I notice, hidden among the normal marketing crap, jumbled together like a “Buy our shit” college, the phrase “We wash our lettuce twice”. Hmmmmm. That's something funny to put on your bags...
That is an interesting fact to use for marketing purposes. It almost sounds like a threat. As in “Buy our stuff- or the lettuce gets a THIRD washing MWAHAHAHAHA”.
Wait, this is news! That's right, you heard it here first- McDonald's is threatening to water-board it's lettuce for customers! Well, probably not, but it sure would make a great story for the news, wouldn't it? Someone call the tip line, quick! Tell whoever answers the phone that you've got a big tip for them. Then tell them you have a huge story, too.
Actually, a few questions came to mind. Were they not washing their lettuce twice before this? Is this a special promotion, where they give you a second lettuce washing, free of charge? Or did they always wash their lettuce twice, and are just now looking to cash in on the PR benefits? You know, by presenting old information to make it look like they are trying harder, or have improved in some way.
Do other fast food places wash their lettuce twice, or is this deal exclusive to McDonald's? Is there a list of every fast food chain, and their lettuce washing policies? A master lettuce blaster list, if you will. How do they wash the lettuce? Considering the company doing the washing, I doubt that it involved the ingredient known as 'love'.
This happens in more of a cooperate environment, I'm guessing. Think teenagers, grease, and a washing machine from 1957. One that only works on Thursdays, or when you don't need it to. Do they use bottled water, or am I supposed to choke down tap water with my lettuce?
In the end, the next time I'm bored, I think I'll stick with fiction. It raises fewer questions, and makes more sense.
Here's an open letter of encouragement for ambulance chasing lawyers
Funny blog post or a nightmare? "How disney is going to wreck two beloved franchises at the same time"
Funny thing, but today, was the first time that it really sank in for me. What you ask? I finally realized that Disney recently has obtained the rights to BOTH Marvel AND Star Wars 'shudder'.
See, I knew both of those facts individually, but my mind must have kept the information compartmentalized as a way of protecting my already fragile sanity. The fact is that Disney is probably going to make those franchises more “family-friendly”.
If you read that phrase in the quotes, and your mind translated it to “boring”, you know where I'm going with that. Imagine all of the Star Wars movies having plots like “Jar Jar Binks meets the Ewoks, and they have a two hour long cuddle-fest”. This could be the start of the next major horror movie franchise- I know it scares me...
But then I got to thinking maybe it isn't so bad. A funny plot-lines came to mind, and any of these would be interesting to me. There are only a couple of conditions. First, Disney has to pay. God knows that isn't an issue though. They are running around paying for other people's ideas like they are doing an impression of Thomas Edison (Don't get that reference? Google “Edison”, “Tesla”, and “asshole”. You'll get plenty).
Secondly, I don't wanna hear Micky Mouse running around yelling “I own it all now, bitches!” in that annoying high pitched voice of his. So they're going to have to muzzle him. Or shoot him, but I don't insist on that.
I wouldn't stop it from happening though. And I can't guarantee a complete lack of laughter if they did. I never liked that mouse. But I don't see any other potential deal-breakers here. So consider this list of potential plot-lines for sale...