The President started a new craze. He's crazy, so of course he did.
With so many people talking about fake news, it's clearly the hottest trend. It's in more demand than a lucky Baby Yoda foot. Every time a big news story breaks, a stampede of people floods the comment section of every website imaginable to use their favorite new phrase. It's the 21st century equivalent of mood rings. And when used properly, leads to results with the same amount of accuracy. I forget, what color is supposed to be existential dread again?
I've decided to do the American thing, and try to make money off of it. The only problem is, reality is insane. How do I compete with headlines about the President musing about the medical potential of disinfectants? I have to be on top of my game. But I have to admit, inspiration wasn't hard to find
I could report that there is now scientific proof that MAGA hats cause brain damage. It would be irresistible to people obsessed with the fake news fad. It ticks all the right boxes. A story in the media, about how people who spent their lives studying a subject, with a discovery in their field that somehow makes Trump look bad? Irresistible.
I can see the memes now. And finding pictures to accompany this story would be easy. No photographer needed, a Google image search will do the trick. I'm sure there's plenty of photos out there of people with mental impairments wearing MAGA hats.
The only downside is that it isn't true. MAGA hats don't cause stupidity. It's a preexisting condition. This is a serious problem, people who are fans of that phrase seem to favor using it on stories that report actual facts
Through my long journey across the internet, I've learned many things. Dare I say, even some wisdom. And, being the attention seeking type who believes in sharing, I wanted to pass my wisdom on, for other people to use to annoy each other on social media. I compiled a list, in no particular order. Enjoy!
Over time, my opinions may have changed. But never the fact that I am right
Computer are like air conditioners. They stop working when you open Windows.
Time is a wonderful healer, but a lousy beautician.
A T-Rex can't clap its hands. Because they're all dead
Help! The voices in my head want out!! ...IGNORE THAT, and go click on some ads.
Since the fear of dying in the streets has made heroes out of lazy people like me, I have been looking for something to do. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed a week or two not having to participate in the daily grind of dealing with people who seem to have severe brain damage.
But, surprisingly, I have gotten bored. And so, I have decided I want to look for a job. But not just any job. No. I want one with benefits, pays well, has top notch insurance and without that pesky requirement of having experience.
I don’t have time to get a degree, so it has to be one that you can get with my current level of education. Bonus if I can find a place who has someone incompetent already working there. I can either steal their job, or just look awesome when I apply. I’ll get hired because hey, I can’t be worse at it than THAT guy. You know the kind of guy I’m talking about. You worked with that guy. And I can be better than that guy. Easy.
Political jokes are only funny before they take office. So I think that we should move the Inauguration from January to October, because that's when the joke becomes scary.
I got one of those app invitations, on Facebook a little while back. It was one asking me to play Solitaire. It seemed weird to me, but I couldn't think of why at first. Then I realized that an invitation to play solitaire is like an invitation to masturbate, or an invite to start talking to yourself, for those of you who offend more easily.
What to say to those you don't want to talk to
Well, today I guess I learned that the new number for my house isn't on the do not call list yet. Why do I say that? Because this is almost exactly what happened...
I set everything up, plugged in the phone, stepped back, and then... answered my first call from a telemarketer.
Got a couple more calls throughout the day, and every time I answered one, I had a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. Then it hit me. My list of telemarketer responses! I haven't had a use for it lately, so now let's have some fun with it.
The Government shut down. It's not doing anything. So, how will we notice the difference?
Something occurred to me today while I was driving home. Well, driving is an understatement for what I was doing. Where I live, there are so many bad drivers that you don't so much drive as you just try to avoid getting hit. Usually while sandwiched between a car driven by someone who has all the time in the world, and someone who must be both giving birth AND on fire. One guess at which person is in the car in front of you, and which one is in the car behind.
Anyways, I managed to have time to think about political garbage. But I can't for long, I just end up ranting. Partially because the government is shutting down. For such an incredibly stupid reason. One party won't compromise, and the other one thinks it's special enough that it doesn't have to follow the rules. You know, the ones we used for the first 200 or so years of this country's existence?
Majority parties have been doing what they want like this for centuries now. In fact, the majority party has acted like a bunch of dicks while in power since the country was founded. Too bad they don't remember what it was like to be in the minority, huh? In fact, there were actual gunfights between politicians on a few occasions because of stuff like this. Hmmm there's a way to fix this. A shootout.
But the minority party having a hissy fit and shutting everything down is a recent idea. They are doing this because they want to skip getting democratically ELECTED, and just change the law. Who cares how they do it? And who cares that going around the law like this could end up screwing just about anyone in the future? Wouldn't it be ironic if the Democrats used a stunt like this to ban guns? Not a GOOD thing, just ironic.
Another thing: the 'we don't like what the government is going to (make us) do, so we're taking our ball and going home' approach has been tried before. Historians refer to it as the 'Civil War'. In the end, it didn't go very well for the country, especially the people who decided to try it. Perhaps there is a lesson to be found somewhere in that.
My prediction for the future, no laughing
I would like to share a few predictions that occurred to me today. I had this flash of insight while reading the news, and felt there was a strong possibility of it becoming true. Or that it might amuse people. Either of those results words for this blog, though. And if it does happen, I'll have proof that I called it. Here goes...
Anthony Weiner will soon change his name to Dick Burns, so that it represents him more accurately.
The new name will appeal to him largely because it also comes with a bonus: slightly less opportunity for sexual innuendo. His critics, a rather large group of people otherwise known as "The people who know who he is", will not be impressed.
After his upcoming yet inevitable election loss, I believe that he will next try to open a school. This fine institution of higher learning will be dedicated solely to educating our nation's youth on the finer points of twerking. The official school motto will be "Who better to teach young women how to dance like drunken, sex-crazed prostitutes at bar close?"
This will lead to the creation of a mob that runs him out of the country. Those seeking further justice will be denied, due to his untimely death, caused by the combination of every STD known to man.
The presence of said diseases, along with a few new ones, will require the incineration of his body, for the sake of both public health and national security.