My zombie weight loss plan

No joke, I think We should INVENT ZOMBIES!!!

Bring out the dead... as a diet plan?



I know this sounds like some hilarious joke, but hear me out. I'm not talking about turning live people into zombies. Television is doing a very nice job of that already, thank you Philo Farnsworth.  I wonder how many people out there reading this know who he is. It would be an ironic, yet  hilarious joke if people didn't know his name, because of time spent in front of the TV instead of studying long ago.

Ain't it funny how no one seems to know who invented the television? I mean, have YOU heard of this guy? The man invents arguably one of the biggest influences on human society in centuries, and people are so busy USING it they don't even bother to remember his name. And now I got that damn 'Ironic' song by Alanis Morissette stuck in my head. Situations like this are why guns are still legal. 

This could put a crimp in my plans

Oh well, I guess its some background music for the voices in my head to babble to.  Back to the zombies; For my plan, I'm thinking more of the 'dead in the ground for a couple of decades' kind of zombies. Now these zombies, by the very nature of BEING zombies, will be unstoppable. 


Every single documentary I have seen on them ends with the zombies still ruling the Earth, after all. I say documentary because I see this brilliant plan as a done deal, thus making any zombie movie a 'documentary'.

Great. Now I'm worried about the possibility of a zombie Michael Jackson...

ANYWAYS...  so I was saying, the logic is this. Fat people are like an all you can eat buffet for a zombie. And their size makes them more likely to be caught in any kind of chase. 


SO, we invent zombies, and then let evolution take it's course. In a couple thousand years you will have a race of fast, paranoid, zombie resistant, people. Any fat people who survive will probably have evolved intelligence, or at least the ability to hide well. 


I can tell you, obesity won't even be one of the top 100 problems facing this nation, GUARANTEED.


So if someone actually reads this (unlikely, but people watch competitive poker so who knows?) I urge them to write their congressman. Use a pleasant tone, maybe some funny sayings to butter them up a little. Then, urge the creation of a 'doomsday zombie virus'.

 They can call it something else, election year is coming up, after all. I'm guessing even a member of Congress can figure out that anything with DOOMSDAY in it's name won't play well with the 'sane' voting block. 


Instead call it the... HAPPY ENDING virus. After all, who doesn't like a happy ending?

An open letter to all ambulance chasing lawyers