My brilliant idea will change the world. Or make you laugh
I'm going to change the world with my revolutionary new idea. It's groundbreaking, so have a seat. In fact, take a whole paragraph.
I want to teach computers how to feel pain. Now, I would like to stress that this will be EXCRUCIATING pain. I'm not gonna waste time doing this for a toothache.
So. the next time any computer won't do what you want, or when you're asked for the 10000000th time to look online for drivers/troubleshooting, (when you know damn well that your computer won't FIND anything), you can show it who's boss. It'll straighten up. Or go insane with rage. Both options seem entertaining to me.
Second of all, with the way copyright law is in this country, if I patent this, I'll probably be able to sue anyone who hits their computer out of frustration for copyright infringement. I could probably get just about EVERY computer user (including the nice folks at the RIAA) in a giant class action lawsuit and allege they stole my idea.
when someone points out that they were hitting their computers BEFORE my patent, I'll ask if they got a patent for it. Then I'll ask them how long they've been beating their computers. Maybe I'll demand back royalties of, say, $10,000 for every incident. Considering our legal system, I may be able to swing this, too.
All of this will lead to my FINAL goal. A button on my computer, preferably with the windows logo on it (I KNOW there already is one- it's useless), that sends electrical shocks to Bill Gates's head when I push it. Then all I'll need is one of those bird things that goes up and down by itself...
No joke, I think We should INVENT ZOMBIES!!!
Bring out the dead... as a diet plan?
I know this sounds like some hilarious joke, but hear me out. I'm not talking about turning live people into zombies. Television is doing a very nice job of that already, thank you Philo Farnsworth. I wonder how many people out there reading this know who he is. It would be an ironic, yet hilarious joke if people didn't know his name, because of time spent in front of the TV instead of studying long ago.
Ain't it funny how no one seems to know who invented the television? I mean, have YOU heard of this guy? The man invents arguably one of the biggest influences on human society in centuries, and people are so busy USING it they don't even bother to remember his name. And now I got that damn 'Ironic' song by Alanis Morissette stuck in my head. Situations like this are why guns are still legal.
Oh well, I guess its some background music for the voices in my head to babble to. Back to the zombies; For my plan, I'm thinking more of the 'dead in the ground for a couple of decades' kind of zombies. Now these zombies, by the very nature of BEING zombies, will be unstoppable.
Every single documentary I have seen on them ends with the zombies still ruling the Earth, after all. I say documentary because I see this brilliant plan as a done deal, thus making any zombie movie a 'documentary'.
ANYWAYS... so I was saying, the logic is this. Fat people are like an all you can eat buffet for a zombie. And their size makes them more likely to be caught in any kind of chase.
SO, we invent zombies, and then let evolution take it's course. In a couple thousand years you will have a race of fast, paranoid, zombie resistant, people. Any fat people who survive will probably have evolved intelligence, or at least the ability to hide well.
I can tell you, obesity won't even be one of the top 100 problems facing this nation, GUARANTEED.
So if someone actually reads this (unlikely, but people watch competitive poker so who knows?) I urge them to write their congressman. Use a pleasant tone, maybe some funny sayings to butter them up a little. Then, urge the creation of a 'doomsday zombie virus'.
They can call it something else, election year is coming up, after all. I'm guessing even a member of Congress can figure out that anything with DOOMSDAY in it's name won't play well with the 'sane' voting block.
Instead call it the... HAPPY ENDING virus. After all, who doesn't like a happy ending?
An open letter to all ambulance chasing lawyers
Running for office (is) for dummies
Whenever I get to fulfill my dream to run for office, I promise to be a different kind of politician. First, I will have actual beliefs. They may not make sense, but I will make concrete statements. Probably funny statements too. Depending on my level of intoxication at the time.
I will not kiss any babies. If someone shows me a baby, I will quickly deny it's mine. Then, I would alert child services. Anyone who'd hand babies to politicians clearly doesn't have that 'parenting' thing down.
I realized that I am a perfect political candidate!
I am well qualified, because
1. I can do nothing pretty well.
2. I can be pretty stupid. At least my stupidity is funny enough to produce laughter. Politicians just produce gas.
3. I may not accomplish anything, but at least the government could get more for ad space during my funny speeches.
4. That puts me one up on the humor impaired morons running things into the ground now.
5. My experience is this funny blog, so I shouldn't have to worry with any political garbage from my past.
When asked about political party, I will answer 'no'. I mean, I'm all for partying, but a political party would probably suck. Bunch of old people expelling various gasses from various orifices. Unless you spiked the punch with drugs and taped the results for the news. Or you tube.
Which brings me to my platform. All governmental business must be conducted A. In the nude (you are allowed to wear an ascot, if it makes you feel better. I won't be.) B. under the influence of at least 3 mind altering chemicals. and C. Between 10 at night and 6 in the morning.
Now you are thinking things like "Well nothing will get done" or "Government officials would never agree to this" and "What the hell is wrong with this guy?". Let me address these.
First, nothing is getting done now. I mean, they pass laws, granted. But they pass gas too--- and neither action on the part of current politicians seems to be helping people. At least my way would make CSPAN more entertaining.
As for government officials never agreeing to these plans, well I plan to put the rule about government hours of operation in place first. See a lot of politicians are old. So you make it so government business is only done late at night, and the number of useless morons yammering about my laws goes WAY down.
As for what is wrong with me, well I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE! There probably is a rule somewhere saying people who do so are messed up. Any Questions?
To the Main Blog Page
Some of the useless warnings out there are hilarious.
I've been noticing a lot of unnecessary warning labels lately. Like on an ice cream container "Keep frozen" and "Contents are hot" on fries and coffee.
Now I am aware of some the lawsuits that caused all these warnings, and at first I thought that people don't need to be protected from their own stupidity. But then I realized, I CAN MAKE MONEY OFF THIS! Here's how.
I should find where the people who write these things work... and apply for a job. I bet I could come up with great useless warnings. Plus, if I got a job writing these, I will never run out of work.
There is so much work out there, I could do this for the rest of my life. Maybe I should start a collection of sample warnings, for prospective employers.
Here they are:
(on all underwear) remove before urinating or defecating
(on boxer shorts) May contain nuts
(on toilet paper) not to be taken internally
(on mustard and mosquito repellent) not to be snorted
(on vaseline) not a condiment
(on caffeine pills) do not feed to chihuahuas
(on extension cords) not to be used as bungee rope
(on bungee rope) not to be used as an extension cord
(on light bulbs) not to be taken rectally
(on power sockets) not to be used to play operation
(on used syringes) not to be used for acupuncture
(on hairpins) not to be used on pubic hair
(on guns) do not point at face
(on condoms) not to be used as a finger puppet
There are many more of these, I could get drunk and figure out some more. The funniest thing about that list is that some people actually did those things...