It seems to that we don't do enough to show our appreciation for our friends in the legal profession. We don't realize how their ads make our world a better place. So I wrote an open letter to encourage them. Here goes...
To Every Ambulance-Chasing Lawyer Out There...
I would like to take the time to thank you. I love the reminders that you run on TV, print, radio, and anywhere else someone will sell you space. I admire your ability to never miss a chance to tell the consumers about the lawsuit lotto. I don't know what I would do if I were to awaken some day and not be reminded of your spiffy catchphrase every five minutes.
I know there are those who complain that your ads are repetitive, but I find it soothing. I love the fact that no matter what I am viewing, your ads are only minutes away. It's comforting to know that your ads will play at a volume that is guaranteed to wake the dead - regardless of the fact that I have my volume set to a rational level. Even when my TV is off, it's awesome when I get to hear your newest pitch, on my neighbor's TV, at 4 am.
There are some people who might say that too many lawsuits are frivolous now. I disagree. Telling lawyers not to sue is like telling leeches not to suck. It won't stop anything. Mainly because not suing might make you shrivel up and die, just like an unfed leech. We can't have that. Our fine nation clearly has a shortage of legal options. After all, no one has tried to buy ad space on my inner eyelids yet. How about yours?
On that note, during the 156,945,545th viewing of one of your fine ads, I had an idea I wanted to share. Perhaps you should try to sue God. This may be easier than it sounds, actually. Think about it. God is in Heaven. Which means He probably doesn't have access to good legal counsel. I'd advise against trying this with the Devil though.
I also must say that seeing all those fine examples of quality programming has inspired me to become more like you. I have dreams where I'm a lawyer, free to chase ambulances, with my toupee flapping in the wind. My idea of a perfect world is one in which every ambulance and firetruck on the road is followed by a line of cars, containing legal options. I want to make this happen. Which online program did you get your 'degree' from?
All in all, I would ask that you continue your tireless efforts to promote legal advise and services. Because I want to see your ads during every commercial break. Thanks!!!