Whenever I get to fulfill my dream to run for office, I promise to be a different kind of politician. First, I will have actual beliefs. They may not make sense, but I will make concrete statements. Probably funny statements too. Depending on my level of intoxication at the time.
I will not kiss any babies. If someone shows me a baby, I will quickly deny it's mine. Then, I would alert child services. Anyone who'd hand babies to politicians clearly doesn't have that 'parenting' thing down.
I realized that I am a perfect political candidate!
I am well qualified, because
1. I can do nothing pretty well.
2. I can be pretty stupid. At least my stupidity is funny enough to produce laughter. Politicians just produce gas.
3. I may not accomplish anything, but at least the government could get more for ad space during my funny speeches.
4. That puts me one up on the humor impaired morons running things into the ground now.
5. My experience is this funny blog, so I shouldn't have to worry with any political garbage from my past.
When asked about political party, I will answer 'no'. I mean, I'm all for partying, but a political party would probably suck. Bunch of old people expelling various gasses from various orifices. Unless you spiked the punch with drugs and taped the results for the news. Or you tube.
Which brings me to my platform. All governmental business must be conducted A. In the nude (you are allowed to wear an ascot, if it makes you feel better. I won't be.) B. under the influence of at least 3 mind altering chemicals. and C. Between 10 at night and 6 in the morning.
Now you are thinking things like "Well nothing will get done" or "Government officials would never agree to this" and "What the hell is wrong with this guy?". Let me address these.
First, nothing is getting done now. I mean, they pass laws, granted. But they pass gas too--- and neither action on the part of current politicians seems to be helping people. At least my way would make CSPAN more entertaining.
As for government officials never agreeing to these plans, well I plan to put the rule about government hours of operation in place first. See a lot of politicians are old. So you make it so government business is only done late at night, and the number of useless morons yammering about my laws goes WAY down.
As for what is wrong with me, well I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE! There probably is a rule somewhere saying people who do so are messed up. Any Questions?
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